Now that I have an 18 year old I feel qualified to give my thoughts on raising kids (not that that stopped me before!). I still most likely hold some misconceptions, but here are some things I now believe...
1) Your children are individuals. You may see the future doctor, but she may just decide that blood is icky and science even ickier.
2) Demand more. I let my children skate by because I believed this was their choice. I now realize that excellence opens more doors and offers more choice, than mediocrity. This may seem obvious to some of you, but it wasn't to me until my child didn't have the grades and test scores to get into a 4 year college.
3) Mothering instincts are strong and primal. Sometimes you should listen to them. At other times you have to step back and realize we are living in a complex modern society, not swinging from trees, and you can't slap the little girls who are snubbing your daughter, and you can't say exactly what you want because that will warp your own child's perception of the world. This is harder than it sounds.
4) It goes by so so so fast. Even if the years drag, they are legal adults before you know it.
5) There are benefits to conforming. A boy who can't play a pickup game of basketball may be at a social disadvantage later, no matter how much you hate lame-o sports, and whether it's "right or wrong".
6) The world doesn't care and isn't fair. There are wonderfully kind helpers in the world, and modern society strives to make things a bit more fair (education, food and medicine for those in poverty), but some people will always have an advantage. Work to right what you believe needs righting, but don't let inequities and inequalities make you bitter or use them as an excuse, and make sure your kids know that, too.
7) Related to that is open your mind and heart. Not everyone can become the boss. Be careful you aren't creating a world where we see people as winners and losers.
8) Bite your tongue. Over and over and over again. I struggle with this. I am a naturally critical person, and I don't see why others don't want to hear my honest criticism...but I am trying to remind myself that my "honest criticism" may be seen as my "negative opinion".
9) Don't point out mistakes unnecessarily. If your child screws up a routine or song, smile, because you know how hard her or she worked, and you may not know how hard it is to stick a routine under pressure. If she wants to talk about, let her. But otherwise, be the doting parent, not the fault-picking coach.
10) Make them do chores. It won't kill them, and it will help you.
11) Get control of electronics earlier and be firm. I haven't done this, and I believe it has had a detrimental effect on my kids' grades and performance.
12) Teach them early that life isn't just what you get out of it, but what you put in. Recreation should NOT be the sole purpose of a teenager. I am guilty of this. Imagine what a world we would have if we all required our kids to get out and do some good, instead of just college application building.
13) Teach them to try the harder thing. Even something as simple as choosing a magazine over TV and a book over a magazine.
14) Raise them to love learning. There is nothing more horrifying than realizing your children don't pick up a book or look up true information, but instead go with their own hunches and misconceptions-and are spreading them around out loud.
15) When you look back at your regrets and mistakes, don't let that color your feelings for your child. Maybe you could have done things differently, but there is a living, breathing, feeling person of tremendous worth whom (?) you can still influence.
16) Even if all everything you say seems to fall on deaf ears, set an example. Sometimes they may just be waiting to grow up and get out on their to use those fabulous skills you showed them.
17) You are growing, too. So forgive yourself and definitely forgive them. We are all in this together.
Well, Liam's up. I may add to this as they come to me.
1) Your children are individuals. You may see the future doctor, but she may just decide that blood is icky and science even ickier.
2) Demand more. I let my children skate by because I believed this was their choice. I now realize that excellence opens more doors and offers more choice, than mediocrity. This may seem obvious to some of you, but it wasn't to me until my child didn't have the grades and test scores to get into a 4 year college.
3) Mothering instincts are strong and primal. Sometimes you should listen to them. At other times you have to step back and realize we are living in a complex modern society, not swinging from trees, and you can't slap the little girls who are snubbing your daughter, and you can't say exactly what you want because that will warp your own child's perception of the world. This is harder than it sounds.
4) It goes by so so so fast. Even if the years drag, they are legal adults before you know it.
5) There are benefits to conforming. A boy who can't play a pickup game of basketball may be at a social disadvantage later, no matter how much you hate lame-o sports, and whether it's "right or wrong".
6) The world doesn't care and isn't fair. There are wonderfully kind helpers in the world, and modern society strives to make things a bit more fair (education, food and medicine for those in poverty), but some people will always have an advantage. Work to right what you believe needs righting, but don't let inequities and inequalities make you bitter or use them as an excuse, and make sure your kids know that, too.
7) Related to that is open your mind and heart. Not everyone can become the boss. Be careful you aren't creating a world where we see people as winners and losers.
8) Bite your tongue. Over and over and over again. I struggle with this. I am a naturally critical person, and I don't see why others don't want to hear my honest criticism...but I am trying to remind myself that my "honest criticism" may be seen as my "negative opinion".
9) Don't point out mistakes unnecessarily. If your child screws up a routine or song, smile, because you know how hard her or she worked, and you may not know how hard it is to stick a routine under pressure. If she wants to talk about, let her. But otherwise, be the doting parent, not the fault-picking coach.
10) Make them do chores. It won't kill them, and it will help you.
11) Get control of electronics earlier and be firm. I haven't done this, and I believe it has had a detrimental effect on my kids' grades and performance.
12) Teach them early that life isn't just what you get out of it, but what you put in. Recreation should NOT be the sole purpose of a teenager. I am guilty of this. Imagine what a world we would have if we all required our kids to get out and do some good, instead of just college application building.
13) Teach them to try the harder thing. Even something as simple as choosing a magazine over TV and a book over a magazine.
14) Raise them to love learning. There is nothing more horrifying than realizing your children don't pick up a book or look up true information, but instead go with their own hunches and misconceptions-and are spreading them around out loud.
15) When you look back at your regrets and mistakes, don't let that color your feelings for your child. Maybe you could have done things differently, but there is a living, breathing, feeling person of tremendous worth whom (?) you can still influence.
16) Even if all everything you say seems to fall on deaf ears, set an example. Sometimes they may just be waiting to grow up and get out on their to use those fabulous skills you showed them.
17) You are growing, too. So forgive yourself and definitely forgive them. We are all in this together.
Well, Liam's up. I may add to this as they come to me.
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