Thoughts on Liam

I have deleted so many blogs, this is an incomplete record. I just..put it all down, and then worry how it will be taken, and take it all back in.

Liam. Sigh. I love Liam. But he is still quite challenging. We are currently seeing if he has ADHD. Everyone thinks he has it, although, to find out, people just fill out checklists. I fill them out for students, but I am not good at that. I hardly ever check the extremes, preferring to stay with the safer options of occasionally and sometimes. Nothing is ALL the time.

I'll be honest. I feel a bit cheated. I mean, I wanted this baby, and we had this amazing, smart, funny boy, who just can't seem to mind and control his impulses. I have a little guilt for feeling cheated, but it's just societal guilt, because we moms are supposed to feel guilty if we feel anything less than perfectly blessed, right? But it is wrong. Now I feel like people think we are doing something wrong, and who knows, maybe we are, but....until you have been here, you have no idea. Caleb was hard, too. But Caleb is his own can of worms. Caleb with his sensory issues. Caleb did get overstimulated, too, and act out (he was a biter), but Caleb was different, and Caleb did well in school. He could reign it in. Caleb went through angry phases when he was young, depression, and struggles. He just didn't fit in, I guess. The game is hard for some people to pick up on. Even with me, I hear myself saying something, and part of me knows, they will think I am weird, but I feel compelled to share sometimes, even if, or maybe because it will make people think I am weird. Who knows? And now that I am older, I can see what I could have done better with Caleb, but the problem is, that shyness and discomfort he has, well, I have that, too. Every activity  I could have forced him into (and let's be clear, athletics were never for him), meant I had to go along and make the dreaded small talk. But I could have done better. I should have been more invested, more organized. Some women can do the single parent thing, but I am not so great at it. But...here we are. Time moves on, there's no room for guilt, only learning and doing better.

But, Liam. He is like this big bundle (big, because his appetite far outweighs his desire to run around) of firecracker energy. Nonstop talking unless he is on the computer, and sometimes even then he is talking. Trying out the words the speaker is using, memorizing the things he likes. He has a great memory.

And his teacher and principal don't like him. I know they question me and what is going on in our house. I know. I get it. And there are issues. I am not organized. We haven't participated in any spirit week things, because I forget to read the many papers that elementary students get. And let's be honest, I have been here before. It's not new and exciting to me. But, still, I invite any of them in to see what is actually happening. To see that we do have healthy food, we do bedtimes, and stories. We struggle with every behavioral alternative we can think of to work with Lima Bean. And mostly, that he is not bad. His principal said he showed no remorse for hitting kids on the bus. And damn it, I know my kid. He might be stubborn and hide his feelings (where would he get that), but he is smart, and can understand, once he is calm. But that one statement, just make me sick. He is not going back into love. His teacher probably dreads him on the days when he is there. And I know how mean teachers can be, even when they believe with all their heart they are being fair. I have seen it and felt it. I get where they are, too. They need compliance. They need him to keep his hands to himself. Of course, he doesn't have the right to trample on the other kids. He doesn't know how to make them like him (Caleb was different. Caleb made friends well, until he was in second or third grade. I dont know what happened then-and maybe that's part of it. Maybe something DID happen. Something I don't know).

So anyway. I guess if the sheets come back high in ADHD-like behavior (and let's be honest-I have felt he was different since he was kicking all the time in pregnancy. I talked about the differences), then we will try the blood pressure medicine that is supposed to slow his thinking down, since he is too young for stimulants. But despite my wondering frequently why parents don't give their kids meds to help them fit in, as a parent, let me tell you, IT MAKES ME SICK. It makes me sick and heartbroken to consider giving my child drugs to help them make it through the day. And THIS is where the guilt lies.

Because I believe, as his mother, I should step up, leave my job, and pull him out of the round hole we are trying to shove him into. I should value his welfare and health over my desire to see other grownups and buy nice things. I shouldn't worry about a retirement fund, when my biggest duty is struggling right before my eyes. And I am choosing economics over love. And it MAKES ME SICK.


That's all folks. I'll numb to it. Adjust. Push it back. Because I want to fit in, too. I don't want to always feel like the poor girl in hand me down clothes. I want my things. And if we have to keep chiseling away at the edge of Liam, so I can have it, then..That's what we will do right?