What is wrong with me?

Seriously. I am so frustrated. So I worked today. It was not an easy day. It was at a rather tough middle school, and I felt like the wicked witch of the West, although, I know in some schools you just have to be tough. But then I did something absurd. I came home and applied for about 6 jobs I am qualified in with SPS. Granted, I have yet to get a school interview (I did have the secondary screening interview), but still. What if they call me for an interview. Do I go?
This morning, greatly influenced by the neat well-decorated classroom I was subbing in, I talked to Karl on the phone and said I thought I wanted to teach full-time next year. He was fine with that, and later said he talked to his manager who said he probably could work from 5pm to  12 pm Monday through Friday, and then pick up 6 or 7 hours on the weekend to make it fulltime. Karl also said he would forgo college.
And that just made me think, "Woah!"
I don't want him to forgo college (although I am questioning his desire to go). I don't know what to do. Yes, I could work fulltime, if Karl didn't have to rush off to work so early in the afternoon. But do I want to?
I just wish I could find a parttime teaching job. A couple years ago, they used to come up, but now they are really hard to find. I know I can always sub, but really, parttime teaching would pay more than subbing and I'd feel more professional.
Sigh.
How can I leave a newborn?
Then I thought about getting daycare a few days a week on the days Karl would have classes. While I think Liam would enjoy a daycare center, what about a baby. Can I even afford center care for a new baby? I looked at Craigslist and it made me sick. Leave a new baby with a total stranger in their house alone? Only if I were very, very desperate.

Why can't I enjoy this opportunity to spend more time at home?

I am scared if I wait until this baby is two, I will be 41 and noone will hire me.
I hate having all this education and "wasting" it.
But then I think of a cuddly new baby, and I think surely, I can do this another year or two. Why is this so hard?

Heart or head? Heart says, take care of the darned baby. Head says build a good retirement pension now.

Sigh.
And what do I do if they call? Say I found something else, or have decided to stay at my current job. Go ahead and interview for the experience.

Maybe no one will ever call. That's my usual experience with applying for jobs. Maybe that's why it's so scary? After all, they can get those childless 20-somethings to work a lot longer hours than I'll work. Why would they want someone older with more responsibilities?

I guess I hate feeling weak and powerless.

I am not really looking for advice, please don't give me any (I usually just feel stressed into making the people who gave me advice happy) , just wanted to whine a little. I mean, many people don't really have a choice, do they?

Work? Nothing new here.

I received an email from the lady who did my screening interview for Springfield schools. She was letting candidates know what the next step was. I was able to see a list of openings for next year, about 1/3 to half of which I am qualified. And that familiar panic started to rise again.

When I am at work, I want to be teaching. When I am at home, I like being at home and dread work.
Karl wants to go back to school (and continue working full-time), and he really wants me to stay home more. While even more days at home sounds lovely.....I just don't feel secure doing that. As it is, I am only working about two days a week. He wants me to cut back to none or one at the most. That should be my dream, right? But it's so scary.
I know on my resume, I will be able to put a continuous work history in the education field, and that's a good thing, but I still worry. At what age do I become too old to hire into a new position? I don't know the answer.

Where's my alternate universe?
Either way, I just don't see how I can go back to work a couple weeks after a baby is born. I keep trying to figure it out, but it just won't work. Even if I am willing to pay the childcare costs for two kids in daycare, a baby has to be six weeks to get into daycare, and often there are waiting lists. I know I will be happy at home. I just need to avoid the tailspin when I get a reminder of jobs that are out there. People always retire. Other moms choose to stay home.
Things will work out.


On the other hand, I think it's important to learn from the past. I really think it would be a mistake not to work (as a part-time sub) at all. The future is uncertain, and I have a  family to protect.

Whoever knew getting what you wanted could be so scary?

Summery Spring

Wow! I was warm yesterday. So much so, that we couldn't resist heading up to Lowes and picking up about 8 more strawberry plants and getting new garden hoses. We were negligent and left ours laying in the driveway where they were run over multiple times. So this year, we are taking the extra minute to wind the hose carefully!
Already, Karl's lettuce seedings have pushed through. I may still do a square foot raised garden-it's just the price of the box that's stopping me. I guess we will stay here one more year, though as Mr. Ingalls would say, "My wondering foot gets to itching..." So much so, that I was checking mobile homes online with acreage.  You know you can find a cheap, decent place. Then I wonder...what's wrong with it? Well, having to drive 45 minutes to work would suck, especially since Karl works until midnight. Patience. Patience. When does patience really mean life is passing you by?

Regardless, I love this weather!