My last post on this page, had me discussing not feeling pregnant. Well, I feel pregnant. In fact, it wasn't but a week or so after that post morning sickness hit--not too bad, the typical, oh, I must be having a boy sickness. I am glad I did not have the stomach emptying nausea of a girl pregnancy, and yes, there will be one more little boy running around here. Wasn't my choice, but I guess I wasn't really given a choice, except maybe not to get pregnant. Oh well. Sometimes it still catches me, a sick feeling of disappointment, but life's funny that way. Sometimes you just have to take what you get.
I am tired now. 28 weeks pregnant. Big. Sometimes I forget I will actually have this baby, and see this stretch of early exhausting mornings getting everyone ready for work and then going to work, and then coming home to be a useless slug on the bed for the evening. This is no way to live. But it will end. I will have maternity leave for a while, I will not be so tired forever.
I am trying to decide whether I should return to work next year. Financially, it's a no-brainer. We are struggling now (our debts have really creeped up on us), and not working just seems ridiculous. But I also feel like this is my last chance to be "be who I am supposed to be." At home, homeschooling, relaxed. But I would have to earn money. I have thought about infant care. There are pros and cons. I like little ones, but it can be unsteady money. I can gloss over things when I am trying to convince myself and others of things. I get SO lonely at home. How will I save for retirement? Is it the right thing to do? Is it the fair thing to do? Will I feel fulfilled at home? Do I really want to keep writing IEPs for the rest of my life? Do I want to keep passing my kids on and rushing out the door for the next several years?
It will likely come down to the hard facts. Eventually, I will really sit down and figure out the money. Going by how I feel isn't helpful. Feelings CHANGE. Opportunity cost is REAL. I will lose and gain something no matter what I choose.
I am lonely now, though. I mean, I enjoy going to work and chatting, but it is all just shallow coworker chat. Maybe that is the most I can hope for. I am who I am, after all. I am not popular or highly sought after. I am slow to laugh and the last to get the joke. I am very opinionated and have high expectations of others. I like to be different. Maybe I am, after all, destined to be a recluse. But when I work, I can pretend that isn't true. I can build up shallow relationships and call them enough.
I hate making decisions. Where is my knight in shining armor?
I am tired now. 28 weeks pregnant. Big. Sometimes I forget I will actually have this baby, and see this stretch of early exhausting mornings getting everyone ready for work and then going to work, and then coming home to be a useless slug on the bed for the evening. This is no way to live. But it will end. I will have maternity leave for a while, I will not be so tired forever.
I am trying to decide whether I should return to work next year. Financially, it's a no-brainer. We are struggling now (our debts have really creeped up on us), and not working just seems ridiculous. But I also feel like this is my last chance to be "be who I am supposed to be." At home, homeschooling, relaxed. But I would have to earn money. I have thought about infant care. There are pros and cons. I like little ones, but it can be unsteady money. I can gloss over things when I am trying to convince myself and others of things. I get SO lonely at home. How will I save for retirement? Is it the right thing to do? Is it the fair thing to do? Will I feel fulfilled at home? Do I really want to keep writing IEPs for the rest of my life? Do I want to keep passing my kids on and rushing out the door for the next several years?
It will likely come down to the hard facts. Eventually, I will really sit down and figure out the money. Going by how I feel isn't helpful. Feelings CHANGE. Opportunity cost is REAL. I will lose and gain something no matter what I choose.
I am lonely now, though. I mean, I enjoy going to work and chatting, but it is all just shallow coworker chat. Maybe that is the most I can hope for. I am who I am, after all. I am not popular or highly sought after. I am slow to laugh and the last to get the joke. I am very opinionated and have high expectations of others. I like to be different. Maybe I am, after all, destined to be a recluse. But when I work, I can pretend that isn't true. I can build up shallow relationships and call them enough.
I hate making decisions. Where is my knight in shining armor?
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