A calm rhythm

Things have relaxed here. Liam is over the acute jealousy and only acts out by occasionally taking the toy bar from Gabe. You know how fascinating those rattles can be...I know Tierney went through a latent period with Caleb, only to reemerge when Caleb started pulling himself to stand. Then she would knock him down. Maybe Liam won't go through that. I guess we still have several more months to worry about that.
Two years or in this case 27 months is very close in age.

Gabe is a happy baby. Frankly, although I spend a lot of time nursing him, he sleeps more than Liam so I don't feel like I get a chance to get to know him. He smiles a lot. He coos. He loves to stare at his balled-up fists.

Tierney is taking the ACT for the second time. She really wants to start at Missouri State rather than Ozark Technical College. Although the credits transfer fine, I understand. Not many people dream of growing and heading off to junior college. However, it turns out, it'll be a learning experience. I just hope she gets out with a degree and very minimal student loans, and I see jr college as a way to keep those student loans in check. But it isn't my choice.

It's hard to believe the little baby I brought home is making plans to move out next summer. I see so many things I could have done better and it's too late. I should have been stricter. I should have had higher expectations. But, what's done is done. I won't say I did my best, because that's a cop-out. I chose myself in college and let my kids skate by. I fed them. I clothed them. I made sure I had as much time with them as possible, but...it wasn't quality time.
We all threw plates of food together and ate all over the house. I did buy cute clothes I think. I was home, but usually my head was in a book while I stayed on my bed. I didn't demand good grades, although I did expect C's or higher. But C's aren't good. I didn't instill order and routine into their lives. I still struggle with maintaining a neat household. It may be laziness.
But. I wasn't a crackhead. I didn't bring random men home. I didn't beat them, or tear them down. So..I guess I did okay. They still like to talk to me. I think. Well, Caleb is so locked up in himself, and I don't know what to say to boys anyway. And Taryn is very private. So maybe somewhere I might have tread on sensitive nerves unknowingly. I am a stupid teaser. I should be more aware. But anyway, we are all imperfect beings, and I learned many moons ago not to beat oneself up.
Sometimes I just wonder how the child who went from Citizen of the Year two years in elementary is struggling to get into Missouri State. When did she get so quiet at school? Why doesn't she brush her hair?

Well, my kids love to read, and I totally give myself credit for that. Readers are much more interesting people,  with deep wells of knowledge. I wonder what percentage of my rather enormous student loans (honestly, I should have  phd or md with the amount of loans I have), went to Barnes and Noble. Gosh I love books. And clothes.
 If all of this seems repetitive from previous postings, it's because I go through the same emotional responses and thoughts repetitively. Who has time for something new, when the old must be polished and perfected and analyzed and truly deeply understood? That takes time.
Liam is using my curling iron as a chain saw to cut a cardboard box "log".

Enjoy the weekend.